Wankernomics: Solutionising the Corporate World

In the form of a mock MBA with 8 units – or should that be ‘modules? – Charles Firth (from The Chaser) and James Schloeffel (from The Shovel) tell us how to understand, succeed or just survive in the corporate world – and who does and how. 

Wankernomics is a kind of distillation of the obfuscation, gaslighting, waffle, jargon and boldly meaningless language of the corporate (and government and political although they don’t say so) world.  Explicit references are made to the LNP (as if all political parties don’t employ this stuff!) and various obscenely rich individuals. Jeff Bezos, for instance gets a couple of serves. 

What about all the time devoted to meetings?  Even while acknowledging that meetings at your workplace are a total waste of time, never achieving anything, how can you win at meetings all the same?  You can learn or invent jargon.  Turn nouns into verbs and then turn the new verbs into a new nouns.  Expand simple two-word sentences into complex five-word sentences.  To get attention, say exactly what someone else has said, but in a louder voice.  And always set up the next meeting at the close of any meeting – after ‘circle back’.  And so on.

Audience participation is invited on this sort of language.  The weary, cynical tone of audience members who call out such terms as ‘circle back’ suggest some folks know and live with and can do nothing but accept this nonsense week after week.  And it’s not just the corporate world either.  Public service.  Government.  Remember (or look up) the mission statement for what became robo-debt. 

The even funnier and chillingly accurate stuff here is about ‘mission statements’ and hugely, ridiculously inflated consultancy fees.  Who reads mission statements anyway?  But every company, business or corporate entity has to have one and we are surprised (or are we not surprised?) to learn that so many companies have almost exactly the same line (or lie)in their mission statement: ‘…our customers are the heart of our business.’  As if. 

Then, as an explanation of how putting an Indigenous flag on the Sydney Harbour Bridge was to cost $25 million (was to cost – the plan was a satirical furphy) of which only about $600 was designated for the flag itself and the pole, Charles and James break down the consultancy fees involved.  E.g., visits to other flags on bridges: $1 million +.  Public awareness campaign.  Etc. 

Again, audience participation is invited to choose among a limited set of cliches to make up the bland and meaningless ‘mission statement’ for – basically – putting a flag on a bridge.  Yes, this flag thing was a gag, but check out what the big consultancy firms like McKinsey, KPMG, PwC or Ernst & Young do – and charge – in the real world. 

Charles’ and James’ show is on road and it’s getting great reviews.  On Wednesday night, the Athenaeum was full for a 6.45 show, demonstrating I think that just maybe folks have had enough – as shown by the last election. 

But I think that Charles and James just might acknowledge that they’re better writers than performers.  Their show is a lecture with jokes: their material carries the day.  They roam about the stage, with hand mikes, set up some basic props and signs, and share the gags, insights, analysis and outrageous facts about 50-50, occasionally bouncing off each other.  They smile all the time as if all this is, you know, just what goes on – but there is a moral outrage underneath – and a kind of amazed incredulity that the corporate world (and the rest) gets away with it.

Wankernomics is a very funny show all the same, but the laughter is cynical rather than us all having a good time.  The sad part is that there are really no big surprises.  The shameless effrontery continues.  It’s as if all know that this management speak, and greenwashing and jiggery-pokery goes on, but we can’t seem to do anything about it.  They’ve got us.  They tell us that their ‘customers are at the heart of their business’ while paying zero tax - but try suggesting some changes.  Deterring investors?  The politics of envy?  Class warfare?  Yes, go figure.

Michael Brindley