The Idiot’s Guide to Wine

It’s just after lunch on a Sunday, and a couple of hundred of us are sitting at cabaret tables in front of six glasses of wine. Each. Admittedly, the glasses aren’t full, but still, this is going to be an interesting review for a cabaret show. And this reviewer does like his wine…

Broadcaster and comedian Merrick Watts is our host – and he quickly establishes his wine credentials as a wine competition judge, a Barossa Master, and holding a Wine & Spirit Education Trust Level 3 qualification. His credentials as an idiot stem from failing year 11 – twice. At a school where his mum was the teacher. Watts refers to his experience on the reality show SAS Australia back in 2020, where he says that his love of wine was what got him through the final stages. Instead of focusing on the physical and mental pain of his captors’ torture, he pictured himself drinking a wine flight at the Watervale Hotel in the Clare Valley.

Watts balances irreverent comedy with high-level tasting notes for six wines. Starting with a local Riesling, we’re educated in not just what we’re tasting, but why it tastes the way it does. Watts doesn’t go into deep scientific detail, but he’s knowledgeable enough to be able to, if the hecklers pushed him down that path. It’s all good humoured though – the audience laughing with our host who’s making jokes at their expense.

A Margaret River Chardonnay is our second wine, then a mixed region Rosato – which we learn is the Italian version of the French Rosé. The stories are coming fast, told around the imaginative food pairings, and we are happily joining Watts in his enthusiasm for the fermented grape. We’re laughing at the relationship between marathons and veganism, but Watts also cleverly addresses the toxic masculinity that influences what we drink. If pink wine was good enough for the Spartan armies, there’s no reason we shouldn’t be drinking this at our barbeques.

Onto the reds, and we start at the lighter end with a local Pinot Noir – and now we’re lubricated from the first three glasses, our strangers at the table are in full conversation, and we’re sharing our own opinions of the wines. We’re in the home straight with a gorgeous Grenache and more stories of how Australia has the oldest Grenache vines in the world (and also several other varieties) due to our strictness in keeping them disease-free.

Finally, we’re onto a big, bold Shiraz (local again – four out of the six wines are from just a few kilometres away from the Festival Centre venue) and Watts wraps up with his touching vision of the Watervale Hotel. He’s an engaging and passionate speaker, entertainer, and wine expert – and he engages the crowd well, with a great deal of charm and humour. The wine education is gentle and if you’re a wine snob, perhaps too superficial for you – but it’s about the story-telling and laugh-out-loud moments too. We roll out of the Banquet Room chuckling – and not just because of the wine we’ve consumed: this is a great way to be entertained and educated at the same time.

Mark Wickett

Photographer: Claudio Raschella