Midnight Murder at Hamlington Hall - Script Excerpt
On the opening night of a new play, seven members of an amateur theatre company’s cast go down with the dreaded lurgy. In this excerpt from the farce, written by Mark Kilmurry and Jamie Oxenbould, the cast press on to stage the murder mystery. Juggling nerves, props, and absurd miscasting, will they manage to pull it off? Or will everything go horribly, terribly and awfully wrong? Buy Your Copy Here.
SHANE: If things really go off the rails and we need to discuss something without the audience knowing … just say the safe word and we’ll convene under the portrait.
KAREN: What’s the safe word?
BARNEY: Mines “Ouch” … which doesn’t always work
KAREN: Amsterdam!
PHILLIPA: Pineapple!
They all call out some ridiculous words at once.
ALL: Cuttlefish … Boob Tube … Werewolf … Backgammon … Help … Help me!
SHANE: No, it has to feel like it’s part of the play. Just say “I’m parched”.
They all agree. Good choice.
SHANE: Ok, come together team.
He gathers them in a circle. Karen goes to leave.
BARNEY: Uh uh … you’re one of us now.
Karen joins the circle.
SHANE: Now, we’ve got this, right?
KAREN: Is that a question?
SHANE (more confidently): Sorry. No. We’ve got this - right.
BARNEY: Course we do. Have faith. And those council bastards will love it
PHILLIPA: What does that mean?
BARNEY: Oops, sorry mate.
PHILLIPA: What’s he talking about Shane?
SHANE (serious): It’s nothing … look … I didn't want to worry you all - but the council’s here … watching, and …kind of deciding the company’ss fate tonight.
PHILLIPA: Motherfuckers. Sorry....it’s P.I.P.M
KAREN: What?
PHILLIPA: Panic Induced Potty Mouth.
KAREN: Right
SHANE: Budget cuts.
BARNEY: You’re right they are a bunch of -
SHANE: We’re expendable, the arts always are …
BARNEY: They want to turn it into some sort of sweat shop??
SHANE: It’s all fine. If we just give them a good old show … like we always do … they’ll see what we do is worth hanging on to.
KAREN: Want me to make a call? I know some people who-
SHANE: NO! No … we just go on with the show … be amazing … and cross our fingers. And remember, Golden Rule … we NEVER GO OFF SCRIPT.
BARNEY: Weeeell…
SHANE: Never Barney!
KAREN: And remember Jenny Caccielli’s party will start dead on 10.00 next door. And having seen those speakers arrive, it’s going to be Loud.
SHANE: If nothing goes wrong, we’ll be done by then.
He takes a big breath. Delivers his heroic speech.
SHANE: Now … we … all of us here at the Middling Cove Players … are storytellers. We are part of a tradition of show folk. Tonight we face adversity. But we will not take a backwards step. It won’t be easy. Good art. True art - never is. But tonight is our night dammit … our opening night. And by thy hook or thy crook … the show …
ALL: …WILL … GO … ON!!!!!!!
Upbeat music transition
All of them madly get the stage ready for the show.
Karen pushes the last bits of furniture in to place. Final props etc.
KAREN: Ok guys, half an hour...twenty-five...no twenty minutes to beginners!
She leaves and a spotlight lands on the pringles can that Barney left on stage earlier.
Blackout.
Published by Currency Press. Available for purchase at Book Nook. Rights managed by David Spicer Productions.
Production photographs from the Ensemble Theatre’s World Premiere in 2023 by Prudence Upton.